Because productivity is just performance art, right?
Let’s be honest—no one really knows what anyone else does at work. Karen’s always typing aggressively, Steve walks around with purpose, and Bob just stares at spreadsheets like they’re Renaissance art. The secret? None of them are actually doing anything.
Welcome to the corporate jungle, where optics beat output and looking busy is the new working hard.
If you’re ready to climb the ladder of mediocrity while conserving every ounce of energy, this is your masterclass in looking like a high-functioning workaholic without lifting a metaphorical (or literal) finger.
Step 1: Carry a Notebook and Walk Fast
It doesn’t matter if the notebook is empty or contains only a doodle of your dog in a suit—hold it tightly and walk with purpose.
People don’t question someone who’s “on the move.”
Even if you’re just going to the bathroom for the third time that hour, do it with the urgency of a CEO heading to a board meeting. Throw in some furrowed brows and mutter things like:
- “I’ll circle back after the sync.”
- “Can’t miss the deadline—again.”
Boom. Untouchable.
Step 2: Become One with the Excel Sheet
Open a spreadsheet, enlarge it to full screen, and stare at it with the intensity of someone decoding ancient prophecy.
Now, click randomly. Scroll up. Scroll down. Type a formula like =SUM(A1:A10) and pretend to be shocked at the result.
To onlookers, you’re deep in the trenches of data analysis.
In reality, you’re mentally debating whether to order sushi or pizza for lunch.
Step 3: The Browser Tab Ballet
This is where legends are made.
Your screen must have the following tabs open:
- Gmail or Outlook
- Slack or Teams
- One document titled Q3 Strategy Final FINAL_v8_REVISED
- LinkedIn (hidden behind something work-ish)
- A news site, preferably business-related (in case someone walks by)
- A fake dashboard you screenshotted weeks ago
Every 10 minutes, switch tabs like a DJ remixing chaos. No one needs to know you’ve been reading conspiracy theories about how pigeons are government drones. Just keep that Alt-Tab finger ready like it’s a trigger.
Step 4: Schedule “Focus Time” in Your Calendar
Block off time with mysterious titles like:
- “Performance Optimization Review”
- “Client Alignment Strategy”
- “Deep Dive Session”
Translation? You’re napping at your desk with one AirPod in.
Calendars are digital barriers. People see them and think, “Oh, they’re busy.”
In reality, you’re just busy not working.
Step 5: Host Meetings No One Needs
There’s no better way to look busy than by talking about work without actually doing any.
Start a weekly sync titled:
“Cross-Functional Synergy Touchpoint”
No one knows what it means, and that’s exactly the point.
Speak in corporate tongues:
- “Let’s leverage our learnings.”
- “We need to double-click on that.”
- “Let’s loop in procurement just in case.”
Congratulations. You’ve spent 45 minutes saying nothing, and now you need a “break” to “digest next steps.”
Step 6: Constantly Look Annoyed at Your Computer
Facial expression is everything.
The goal is to appear as if you’re constantly being interrupted from solving world hunger.
- Sigh heavily.
- Shake your head.
- Rub your temple.
- Type something, then erase it dramatically.
It doesn’t matter that you’re Googling “funny cat videos compilation 2025”—your vibe is “crisis management specialist.”
Step 7: Ask Vague Questions at the End of Every Meeting
When the meeting is about to end and everyone’s eyes are glazed over, raise your hand and say:
“Wait—I just want to make sure we’re aligned on deliverables post-sprint, especially in the context of stakeholder mapping.”
You’ve now added five unnecessary minutes, re-established your presence, and secured another 24 hours of appearing engaged.
Even better? You’ve just confused everyone into not assigning you anything. Flawless.
Step 8: Be Unavailable for 20 Minutes After Every Meeting
After every Zoom call, go dark. No Slack replies. No emails. If someone asks, say:
“Just debriefing and outlining action items from that last call.”
Translation? You’re lying on your couch thinking about how to quit your job without quitting your paycheck.
Step 9: Develop an Allergy to Deadlines
Always look busy before deadlines, never during them. Use excuses like:
- “I’ve been gathering context.”
- “Still finalizing scope.”
- “Waiting on cross-team inputs.”
By the time it’s due, you can always say it needs “one final review before submission” and then vanish like a magician mid-trick.
Step 10: Use Buzzwords to Cloak Incompetence
You may not have done a single thing all day, but if someone asks for an update, respond with:
“I’m still in the exploration phase but pivoting toward a solution that aligns with our north star metrics while maintaining agile velocity.”
They’ll be so baffled, they’ll leave you alone out of fear you might ask them a question in return.
BONUS MOVE: Pretend You’re on a Call
When you really don’t want to engage with anyone or—God forbid—get assigned a task, put in your earphones and speak softly while looking serious. Occasionally nod.
If someone approaches, hold up a finger like:
“One sec—I’m just wrapping this call.”
They’ll back off. No one wants to interrupt a call that sounds like it might be with Legal.
Final Words of Wisdom
Work is 20% execution and 80% illusion.
Your mission isn’t to be productive—it’s to look like you’re on the verge of burnout from carrying the entire company on your back.
And remember: if you look stressed, type loudly, and walk quickly with a random piece of paper in your hand—you can get away with doing absolutely nothing.
Now go forth, office legend, and protect your reputation as the busiest slacker in the building.