Because Who Needs Emotional Attachment When You Have Ice in Your Veins
So, you’ve decided to dive into the dating pool but—hold up—you don’t want any of that emotional nonsense. No feelings. No attachment. Just vibes, occasional hand-holding, and zero commitment. Basically, you’re here for the experience, not the connection. Respect.
Here’s your definitive step-by-step guide to dating like a robot with WiFi access but no heart.
1. Master the Art of Emotional Detachment (Just Like Your Favorite Villain)
Feelings are for people who cry during Disney movies and believe in things like “soulmates.” Not you. You’re a stone-cold dating ninja. You listen without absorbing. You smile without meaning it. You nod thoughtfully during deep conversations, all while thinking about pizza or your next unread email.
Bonus tip: If they start talking about “what this means,” just stare into the distance and whisper, “It’s not that deep.”
2. Have a Pet Name for Them—but Not Saved in Your Phone
Call them “babe” or “honey,” but in your contacts, label them as “Tuesday Night” or “Free Dinner.” This way, you can feel affectionately distant. You’re maintaining a façade of closeness while protecting your icy little heart like a dragon guarding treasure.
And don’t you dare add an emoji next to their name. That’s how feelings start.
3. Set Boundaries… Then Keep Moving the Goalposts
Tell them upfront: “I’m not looking for anything serious.” Then flirt like it’s your full-time job. Confuse them with mixed signals. Reply “LOL” to deep emotional confessions. Be sweet enough to keep them invested, but vague enough to keep them guessing whether you even like them or if you’re just lonely on weekends.
You’re not playing with their heart—you’re conducting scientific experiments.
4. Avoid Anything That Might Accidentally Trigger Real Emotions
No cuddling after 10 p.m.
No spending the whole day together.
And for heaven’s sake—don’t let them introduce you to their dog. That’s how people fall in love.
Stick to emotionally neutral locations like noisy bars, crowded food courts, or anywhere with terrible acoustics so you won’t actually hear what they’re saying.
5. Ghost Strategically
Once you feel the faintest hint of actual connection (e.g., you remember their middle name or start dreaming about them), vanish. Evaporate like mist. It’s called emotional evaporation, and you’re a professional.
If you feel guilty, just send them a “Hey, been really busy lately” text two weeks later. You know, to not be a monster.
6. Keep a Rotation So No One Gets Too Special
Feelings form when you focus too much on one person. Solution? Diversify.
Date like you’re running a reality show. Tuesday is coffee, Thursday is dinner, Saturday is chaos.
Remember: If you can’t remember which one likes sushi and which one’s allergic to gluten, you’re doing it right.
7. Invent a Backstory So Tragic It Excuses Your Behavior
Tell them about that one time your goldfish died and you decided to never love again. Bonus points if you say things like, “I’ve just been hurt too much in the past,” or “I’m still healing.” It buys you time and makes your emotionally unavailable behavior seem deep.
A little trauma seasoning makes everything more palatable.
8. Never Define the Relationship—Even If They Ask
If they ask, “What are we?” respond with poetic ambiguity like:
- “We’re two souls floating in time.”
- “Let’s not ruin this with labels.”
- “I just feel like we’re more than friends… but less than exclusive.”
Confusion is your friend. Clarity is for people who want real love.
Final Thoughts:
Why risk heartbreak when you can date like a zen master meditating through romantic chaos? Who needs genuine connection, emotional intimacy, or stability when you can thrive in the gray zone of romantic ambiguity?
Just remember: if you accidentally start to care—panic. Run. Block them. Burn sage. Write a vague Instagram caption. Anything to keep your cool, detached image intact.