Because emotional stability is for cowards.
Congratulations. You’ve somehow stumbled into a relationship that seems, by all appearances, healthy. You laugh together. You communicate (sometimes with actual words). You might even—gag—be planning a future together. Ew.
Now, before this dangerous level of happiness gets out of hand, let’s reel it back. You didn’t come here to be one of those people who say things like, “We talk through our problems,” or “I feel safe with them.” No. You’re here to burn it all down—intentionally or not—and return to your natural habitat: overthinking in bed at 2 AM, Googling “why do I push people away” while avoiding eye contact with your therapist.
So buckle up. Here’s your ultimate sabotage guide: five deliciously simple steps to destroying your perfectly good relationship like a true emotional arsonist.
Step 1: Replace Honest Communication With Passive Aggression and Vague Texts
Talking about how you feel? Gross. Why try that when you could just give your partner a confusing mix of shrugs, sighs, and the occasional “nothing’s wrong” when everything is clearly wrong? The goal here is to build a tower of unspoken resentment so tall it casts a shadow over your weekend plans.
Your toolkit:
- Weaponized silence
- “K” as a full sentence
- Strategically timed “seen” with no reply
- Vague Instagram stories aimed at them but not really about them… unless they confront you, then it totally wasn’t
And remember: emotional clarity is a trap. If they really cared, they’d read your mind. Duh.
Step 2: Get Jealous Like It’s a Competitive Sport
Jealousy is the glue that holds toxic relationships together. And your goal isn’t to trust your partner—it’s to low-key accuse them of infidelity every time they so much as breathe in the direction of another human.
Here’s how to excel:
- Ask “who’s that?” anytime they get a text—even if it’s their mum. Especially if it’s their mum.
- Stalk their followers. Better yet, check who likes their posts and make a list of enemies.
- Mention how attractive their coworker is, then accuse them of thinking the same.
- Say “I’m not the jealous type” while scrolling through their tagged photos with the rage of a detective and the heartbreak of a rom-com side character.
The goal here is to make them feel so emotionally surveilled, they start second-guessing whether waving at their neighbor was a form of betrayal.
Step 3: Make Sure You’re Always Right (Even When You’re So, So Wrong)
Accountability? Never heard of her. You’re not here to grow—you’re here to win arguments, even if it means gaslighting your way into logic black holes.
If they bring up something you did that hurt them? Flip it. Remind them of that one time they forgot to text back in 2021. If you yelled during an argument? Blame your zodiac sign. If you forgot their birthday? Blame capitalism, Mercury retrograde, or the supply chain crisis.
And for bonus points, throw in:
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You always do this.”
- “I guess I’m just a terrible person, huh?”
Nothing says “I’m committed” like emotionally flipping the script until they apologize for being upset that you hurt them.
Step 4: Keep Bringing Up Your Exes (Preferably in Glowing Terms)
Everyone loves a good trip down memory lane—especially when it’s filled with details about your old flames. Your partner absolutely wants to hear about how comfortable your ex made you feel, or how they “never used to complain about your quirks.”
Some suggestions:
- Mention your ex when discussing places to eat, like “Oh, my ex and I loved that place.”
- Talk about the amazing gifts they got you on Valentine’s Day.
- Keep their hoodie “for nostalgia.”
- Accidentally call your partner by your ex’s name once—maybe twice—for dramatic effect.
And for the finishing touch? Keep following your ex on social media and interacting with their posts. If your current partner raises an eyebrow, accuse them of being insecure. Because the problem isn’t you—it’s their lack of chill.
Step 5: Turn Every Minor Inconvenience Into a Relationship-Ending Event
Healthy couples resolve issues calmly and respectfully. You, on the other hand, should treat every disagreement like a Netflix-level drama. Didn’t text you back within 15 minutes? That’s clearly a sign the love is dying. Forgot to bring home onions? That’s emotional neglect. Left the cap off the toothpaste again? Time to reconsider the entire relationship.
Your approach:
- Raise your voice over things that could be solved with a calm sentence.
- Keep score—especially of things they don’t even remember.
- Use phrases like “you always” or “you never,” because generalizing is way more effective than being fair.
- Post sad quotes on social media before actually discussing the issue.
And don’t forget to storm out mid-conversation, slam a door or two, and leave behind a trail of confused emotional debris. It’s not a real relationship if it’s not a rollercoaster, right?
Final Thoughts (Not That You Asked):
Ripping apart a functioning relationship doesn’t take a major betrayal. Nope. Just a few consistent, petty, passive-aggressive behaviors will do the trick. If you stay dedicated to insecurity, poor communication, emotional immaturity, and unresolved trauma, you’ll be single and bitter in no time.
And when it all finally ends, you can proudly say: “They just couldn’t handle me.”
(Translation: You self-sabotaged so hard, even your therapist needs therapy.)