Because bare minimum energy deserves maximum compensation.
So you’ve landed a job. Congrats. You’ve officially infiltrated the workforce, signed a contract you didn’t read, and now spend your weekdays sitting in a chair wondering how long you can stare at your screen before someone notices you’re doing absolutely nothing.
Now, here’s the million-dollar question (literally): how do you become the absolute worst employee—the kind your coworkers complain about in the lunchroom—and still strut into HR expecting a raise like you just saved the company?
Well, friend, pull up your half-filled Excel sheet, minimize that report you were supposed to finish three days ago, and let’s dive into this five-star guide to professional mediocrity with delusional self-confidence.
Step 1: Show Up Late, Leave Early, and Complain About Being Overworked
Nothing screams “dedicated professional” like waltzing into the office 37 minutes late with a lukewarm latte and a flimsy excuse about traffic… on a remote job.
Bonus points if you:
- Log in on Zoom from bed, wrapped in a blanket like a burrito of disappointment.
- Take lunch at 11:00 AM and never return.
- “Accidentally” forget to clock in, but still demand payment for your emotional availability.
- Sigh loudly anytime someone asks you to do literally anything.
And remember: the real secret is pretending you’re exhausted from how much you do, even if your “to-do list” is just a sticky note that says “Reply email? Maybe?”
Step 2: Avoid All Responsibility (But Still Take Credit When Things Go Well)
If there’s a group project, make sure you float above it like a ghost—barely visible, impossible to track, and fully unaccountable. When the team succeeds, make your presence known with something like:
“We really pulled through, didn’t we? I mean, I had that one idea that sparked everything.”
But if the project fails?
“Oh, I wasn’t really involved in that part.”
The key is to contribute nothing while developing Olympic-level skill in verbal gymnastics. You’re not lazy—you’re “strategically uninvolved.”
Step 3: Master the Art of Doing Just Enough to Not Get Fired
Ah yes, the sweet spot: mediocrity.
You don’t want to be the worst-worst. You want to exist in that fuzzy middle zone where you’re just productive enough that no one can prove you’re useless.
Your day should look like this:
- Reply to exactly one email per hour.
- Attend meetings with your camera off and audio muted (for “bandwidth” reasons).
- Spend more time formatting documents than writing them.
- Randomly say, “Let’s circle back on this” to sound smart while buying time to do nothing.
Keep your head down, keep your inbox open (even if you’re playing Solitaire behind it), and remember—consistency is key. Consistent mediocrity builds trust.
Step 4: Be Professionally Toxic (Without Crossing the HR Line… Too Hard)
If you’re not being helpful, at least be difficult. Inject a little chaos into every workday. Stir the pot. Create drama. But do it just under the threshold where HR can’t officially fire you.
Strategies include:
- Giving unsolicited opinions in team chats that derail the conversation for 45 minutes.
- Gossiping about coworkers while pretending to care about “company culture.”
- Constantly reminding everyone how things were done at your last job.
- Asking passive-aggressive questions during presentations like, “Is this even scalable?” (even if you don’t know what “scalable” means)
Basically, you want your colleagues to sigh when they see your name pop up, but not enough to start a formal complaint. You’re not a threat. You’re an inconvenience with a LinkedIn profile.
Step 5: Demand a Raise Like You Deserve a Lifetime Achievement Award
Now that you’ve spent months doing the bare minimum, undermining morale, arriving late, dodging responsibility, and causing mild emotional harm—it’s time for your reward.
March into that salary negotiation meeting with the energy of Beyoncé and the résumé of a doorstop.
Here’s how to plead your case:
- “I’ve really grown in this role.” (Read: You figured out how to use Google Calendar.)
- “I’ve taken on more responsibilities.” (Because you forwarded an email that wasn’t originally yours.)
- “I’ve been a valuable part of the team.” (Technically true, since you’re still on payroll.)
If they hesitate? Gaslight them. “I just don’t feel seen here.”
“It’s not about money, it’s about respect.”
“Other companies would love to have someone like me.”
(They wouldn’t. But say it anyway.)
And if they say no? Quit dramatically. Start a podcast. Tell everyone you left because of “internal politics” and that the company was “toxic.” That’ll show ’em.
Bonus Tips for Extra Awfulness:
- Micromanage downward, ignore upward. Make interns cry but ghost your boss.
- Always be ‘too busy’ when others need help, but expect assistance for every minor task.
- Use corporate buzzwords to disguise incompetence. “Let’s pivot this synergy for maximum deliverables.”
Final Thoughts (and a Warning)
Being the worst employee and still expecting a raise is truly an art form. It requires just enough delusion, a hint of narcissism, and a dash of corporate audacity. Will you succeed? Who knows. But you’ll have a heck of a time doing less while expecting more.
Just remember: if it all backfires and you get fired, you can always write a bitter LinkedIn post blaming hustle culture and start a YouTube channel called “Corporate Survivors.”
Now go out there and underperform with pride.
You deserve everything—except maybe that raise.