So, you’ve decided you want to venture into politics. Perhaps you’ve watched the convoys, admired the men in suits who speak for 30 minutes and say nothing, and thought, “This is the life for me.” Great news—politics doesn’t require competence or vision anymore. You just need the right amount of confidence, borrowed credibility, and a few T-shirts with your face on them.
Let’s take a detailed look at how to successfully become a Ghanaian politician with minimal effort and maximum benefit.
1. Master the Art of Speaking Plenty, Saying Nothing
The first thing you must learn is how to talk like you’re unveiling the cure for poverty, even when you’re just announcing another ribbon-cutting for a footbridge. Use words like infrastructure, transformational agenda, resilience, and legacy project. The more syllables, the better.
When asked tough questions, throw in phrases like “We are putting measures in place” or “We inherited a mess”. If you’re really in trouble, say you’ll form a committee to “investigate and report.” This gives the illusion of action while you go for lunch.
2. Turn Your Face Into a National Symbol
What’s a campaign without your face being plastered across every wall, tree, and trotro in town? You must become more visible than the national flag. Commission massive billboards that declare your love for the people—even if you haven’t set foot in their community in three years.
And titles? The more, the better. Hon. Rev. Dr. Apostle Ing. Prophet Politician Esq. sounds about right. Are you any of those things? No? Doesn’t matter.
3. Forget Policies—Distribute T-Shirts Instead
Let’s face it: your target audience doesn’t need a budget breakdown. They need free branded T-shirts, bags of rice, and maybe a little ‘transport’ money. Once people have your T-shirt, they’ll wear it to church, the market, even funerals—and that’s 24/7 advertising!
Bonus move: hand out cutlasses during election season. You’ll look like you care about farming. Never mind that nobody has fuel for the tractors you promised last year.
4. Show Up for Every Funeral (and Cry Loudest)
This is how you stay relevant. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t know the deceased—stand by the coffin, give a speech, and weep like your political future depends on it (because it does).
Use these gatherings to announce projects that will never happen. The audience will clap. You’ll nod humbly. Mission accomplished.
5. Make Outrageous Promises and Blame God for the Delay
Promise to build a university in a town that doesn’t even have a JHS. Announce a mega interchange in a village with no traffic lights. Say you’ll give every child a tablet—even if your office still uses typewriters.
And when none of it happens? Easy—say the economic conditions changed, the previous government left no money, or you’re waiting for divine direction.
6. Speak Big English During Scandals
Caught up in a scandal? Relax. Just hold a press conference and say things like: “We’re engaging in a forensic audit to unravel the procurement inconsistencies.” People will be so confused they’ll forget why they were angry.
If that doesn’t work, just say the allegations are “politically motivated.” That line is the duct tape of political survival.
7. Always Blame the Previous Government
This is your golden excuse. If the roads are terrible—blame the past. If the economy crashes—blame the past. If you sneeze—blame the past. Ghana’s biggest natural resource isn’t gold or cocoa—it’s political blame.
Even after two full terms, you must keep saying, “We’re still cleaning the mess we inherited.” Because apparently, the mess is immortal.
8. Hire a Praise Team (Online and Offline)
You can’t go far without loyal hype men and women. Your praise singers should be ready to call you “the Moses of our generation” and declare you “the best thing to happen to Ghana since jollof.”
Hire social media influencers who will shout your achievements—real or imagined—while blocking critics. Make sure they trend hashtags like #4MoreForHon and #GodSentLeader even when all you did was sweep your office.
9. Travel Frequently (for ‘Important’ Conferences)
What kind of leader stays in the country too long? You must be seen jetting off to “economic summits” and “policy dialogues” in Dubai, London, and Paris. The longer the trip, the more serious you look.
The actual outcomes of these conferences? Irrelevant. What matters is the photo of you shaking hands with someone important-looking. That’s worth more than a functioning school block back home.
10. If You Lose an Election, Claim It Was Rigged
Finally, if the unthinkable happens and you actually lose an election, don’t concede. Never. Instead, hold a press conference, accuse the Electoral Commission, accuse your opponent, accuse your own party—just accuse somebody.
Say things like “The will of the people has been subverted!” or “We are taking the matter to the Supreme Court.” Even if you have no evidence, it’s the drama that counts.
Final Thoughts: A Masterclass in Mediocrity
Let’s be honest: modern politics is no longer about solving problems. It’s about appearing busy, staying visible, and making noise at the right time. If you’ve read this far, congratulations—you now have all the tools to run for office without ever needing to deliver.
Just remember:
- Never take responsibility.
- Always smile in photos.
- And when all else fails, declare a holiday and call it “Appreciation Day.”
Good luck out there, future Hon. Something-Something.