Welcome to your ultimate guide to budgeting — straight from someone who stares at their bank app like it just insulted their mother. If you’ve ever opened your account and asked, “Where did all my money go?”, then congrats — you’re my target audience.
Here’s some hard-earned financial wisdom that definitely hasn’t improved my life (but let’s pretend it might help yours).
1. Make a Budget You’ll Never Follow
Start strong by creating a beautiful, color-coded budget spreadsheet. Add categories like “Essentials,” “Savings,” and “Takeout Because I Hate Cooking.”
Will you stick to it? Absolutely not. But it’s cute, and that’s what matters.
2. Track Every Expense, Unless It’s Embarrassing
Be sure to track everything you spend — except the ₵600 you dropped on random impulse purchases at 2 AM. That was retail therapy, and it doesn’t count. Ignore anything bought out of boredom or heartbreak. Those are emotional investments.
3. Set Financial Goals You’ll Abandon in 3 Days
Write down your goals:
- Save ₵1000 by December
- Stop buying coffee every morning
- Cancel that gym subscription you’ve never used
Then immediately forget where you wrote them. Bonus points if you start a new set of goals next month like nothing happened.
4. Cook at Home (And Order Food While You Do It)
Save money by cooking your own meals. But first, spend ₵200 at the grocery store buying ingredients you’ll never use. Then get too tired and order food anyway. Technically, you planned to be responsible. That counts for something.
5. Use the “Out of Sight, Out of Budget” Method
Turn off bank notifications. Hide your account balance. Avoid eye contact with ATM receipts. If you don’t see it, your money problems don’t exist. It’s called financial self-care.
6. Convince Yourself That ₵25 is “Too Much” for Essentials but ₵250 is Fine for Vibes
Don’t buy sunscreen because it’s “too expensive.” But somehow find ₵250 for a spontaneous bottomless brunch. Priorities, darling. Budgeting is about choosing the right kind of poor.
7. Blame the Economy. Always.
Can’t save? Blame inflation. Overdraft again? The government’s fault. Spent your last cedi on a candle that “smells like ambition”? Late-stage capitalism.
Never take responsibility. That’s the budgeting pro-tip of the decade.
8. Celebrate Tiny Wins Like You’re Warren Buffett
Didn’t order food once this week? You’re basically a financial guru now. Found ₵5 in your old jeans? Early retirement loading. Budgeting is mostly about lying to yourself with confidence.
Final Thoughts: Budgeting Is a Journey (To the Nearest Financial Breakdown)
If you’re still broke after all these genius tips, don’t worry — so am I. Just remember: the goal isn’t to be rich. The goal is to look like you know what you’re doing, cry a little, and hope your next paycheck hits before your vibe does.
Now go forth and budget like a financially confused legend.
And if your bank balance ever makes you weep again, just remember — at least your tears are free.