Even if you’re emotionally unavailable and can’t spell ‘Nietzsche’
Ah, the internet — where everyone’s a philosopher, a poet, or at the very least, someone who once skimmed a Tumblr post from 2014 and now thinks they’re Socrates reincarnated. If you’ve ever wanted to seem like a complex, layered intellectual while actually being as shallow as a kiddie pool, this guide is for you.
Let’s face it: no one wants to actually be deep. That’s hard work. It involves reading, thinking critically, and worst of all — self-awareness. But sounding deep? That’s easy. All you need is a sad black-and-white selfie, a cryptic quote, and a vague caption that sounds like you’re either going through a breakup or unlocking the secrets of the universe.
Let’s get you started on your fake-deep influencer journey.
1. Master the Art of Saying Nothing with Authority
Here’s a pro tip: say things that sound profound but don’t actually mean anything. Sprinkle in some emotional ambiguity and watch the likes roll in.
Examples:
- “Sometimes the silence says more than the words.”
Translation: You turned your phone off during an argument and now you’re acting like it was a spiritual retreat. - “We are all just moments, passing through time’s fingertips.”
Translation: You missed your deadline, but look at you waxing poetic like time personally insulted you. - “Not all who wander are lost… some are just avoiding responsibilities.”
Okay, this one’s actually kind of honest.
2. The Three-Word Format Works Every Time
People love things that come in threes. It creates rhythm and fake wisdom. Just string together three vaguely connected ideas and voilà — fake deep gold.
- “Heal. Grow. Repeat.”
- “Breathe. Reflect. Detach.”
- “Chaos. Coffee. Clarity.”
- “Vibe. Align. Conquer.”
These mean absolutely nothing, and yet they scream “I read Rumi once while hungover.”
3. Use Words Like “Universe” and “Energy” Liberally
Once you start referring to your mood swings as “energy shifts” and blaming the moon for all your bad decisions, congratulations — you’re now a spiritual guru with commitment issues.
Examples:
- “The universe heard what you didn’t say.”
(Spoiler: The universe was busy doing literally anything else.) - “Protect your energy at all costs.”
(AKA: I ghost people, but make it sound noble.) - “Align your vibration with your destiny.”
(You don’t even align your laundry with the basket, but go off.)
4. Post Cryptic Captions with Photos That Don’t Match
This is classic fake-deep influencer behavior. Picture of you on a beach? Caption it:
“Some storms are internal.”
Selfie in a hoodie with perfect lighting? Try:
“Not everyone who smiles is happy.”
(You’re literally wearing Fenty highlighter and sipping a pink smoothie, but okay.)
Random latte art?
“Life is bitter, and yet we sip.”
(Sir, that’s a cappuccino, relax.)
5. Bonus Level: Make Up Your Own Quotes and Attribute Them to Yourself
If you’ve really mastered the art of vague wisdom, you can start inventing your own quotes. Just slap your name at the end like you’re the next Khalil Gibran.
Example:
“Some people bloom when you leave. Others wilt because you stayed.” — YOU, probably
(You’ve said that exact thing after every situationship.)
Final Thoughts (That Are Deep… But Not Really)
In today’s digital world, depth is a filter. You don’t need introspection, growth, or insight — you need a good font, an aesthetically pleasing background, and a few words that suggest emotional trauma you refuse to work on. The goal isn’t to be better. The goal is to appear like you’re evolving while doing absolutely nothing.
Because after all…
“The truest truths are the ones we pretend to understand.”
Or whatever.
Just remember: if it looks good on a Pinterest board and makes you sound like you journal (even if you don’t), you’re winning.