(Because obviously, you have time. So much time.)
Ah, retirement — that magical age where you kick back on a beach, sip something tropical, and live off the mountain of savings you definitely, totally started building… right after college… or maybe next month… probably.
But if you’re still clinging to the belief that you’re 23 (despite your knees making Rice Krispies noises every time you stand up), then retirement planning sounds more like something old people do. Like eat bran cereal or wear orthopedic sandals.
Still, let’s pretend you’re going to do something about it. Or at least, pretend you’re going to pretend. Here’s your ultimate retirement plan — for people who are spiritually 23, financially 16, and emotionally allergic to Excel.
1. Tell Yourself You’ll Start Saving “Next Year” — Every Year
Why start now when “next year” sounds so much more futuristic and responsible? You’ve been saying it since your actual 23rd birthday, and honestly, the consistency is impressive.
Bonus points if you say it on January 1st while holding a mimosa and wearing a party hat. You’re not procrastinating. You’re planning… for the future.
2. Assume Your Future Self Will Be a Millionaire
Of course you’ll be rich one day. You’ll write a best-selling book. Start a billion-dollar app. Discover oil in your backyard. Or maybe marry someone with suspicious offshore accounts.
Why save for retirement when Future You is definitely going to have it all figured out by then? Let that sucker handle it. Current You is busy binge-watching shows and investing in high-return snacks.
3. Treat Your 401(k) Like a Mythical Creature
If you’ve heard of pensions, 401(k)s, or Tier 2 contributions, great. If you actually know what they are, you’re in the 1% (of adults pretending to have it together).
For now, just assume your employer is taking care of everything. After all, you ticked a box during onboarding, right? Something about retirement? That’s gotta count.
4. Count “Vibes” as a Financial Strategy
Financial advisors love to throw around words like “compound interest,” “diversification,” and “portfolio.” But honestly, the only thing compounding in your life is stress.
You prefer to invest in vibes — like going with your gut, manifesting wealth on your vision board, and occasionally yelling “abundance!” into the mirror.
Who needs numbers when you’ve got the universe?
5. Spend Like Retirement Is Just a Rumor
Because if you don’t believe in it, maybe it won’t happen.
You’re not going to be 65 one day, wearing reading glasses and complaining about back pain — you are different. You’re the cool elder who never ages, just sips overpriced lattes forever.
So go ahead and spend your money on travel, gadgets, and the latest skincare. Retirement is just a social construct, like time. Or taxes.
6. Laugh at the Idea of “Health Insurance” for Your Golden Years
You’ll always be young and healthy, right? It’s not like old people get sick or anything. Your body is a temple — a slightly crumbling temple that creaks when it rains, but a temple nonetheless.
Besides, future medical expenses are overrated. That ₵600 on sneakers today is clearly more important than some silly emergency fund.
7. Build a Retirement Plan Entirely Around “Winning the Lottery”
The odds? Who cares! It’s bound to happen. You’ve already picked your numbers and even have a backup plan involving scratch cards and a suspicious investment scheme your cousin told you about.
Real financial planning is for people who don’t believe in miracles.
8. Say “We’ll Figure It Out” Like It’s an Actual Strategy
This phrase has carried you through so many things: job interviews, breakups, family meetings… why stop now?
Say it enough, and it starts to sound smart. Throw in some finance terms you barely understand: “We’ll figure it out. I’m looking into passive income. Maybe crypto. Or land. Somewhere.”
Translation: You have no clue, but you’re definitely not panicking. Yet.
9. Turn Side Hustles Into Excuses to Not Save
You’re not saving money — you’re building multiple income streams… eventually. That Etsy store you haven’t opened? It’s part of your strategy. The blog you haven’t posted on in six months? Monetization is just around the corner.
And when someone asks if you’re putting money away for retirement, say: “I’m working on a digital product.” They’ll stop asking.
10. Trust That Retirement Will Just Work Itself Out
Worst case, you’ll work till you drop. Or live in your best friend’s basement. Or barter jokes for rent. Either way, it’ll be fine.
I mean, who needs a peaceful retirement when you have sarcasm, Wi-Fi, and the ability to cry quietly in the shower?
In Conclusion: You’re Doing Amazing, Sweetie
Retirement is for people with calendars, compound interest calculators, and a suspicious obsession with index funds. Not for you. You’re 23. Emotionally. Forever.
So continue on your path of gentle financial chaos. And when you finally retire — in your 80s, still pretending to be “young at heart” — just know you did it your way.